Hawaii! My husband and I have a newfound love! I always thought Hawaii would be a tourist trap. After years of my sister and my husband working on me, I finally consented to go on a cruise in 2014 and now I am a believer! In April, we are heading out again. This trip will be our fourth trip to Hawaii. I am spoiled, I know!

     Often couples think that the ultimate romance and relationship repair can be found on exciting getaways like these. In reality, it is the little things, the day-to-day moments, that can make or break a marriage.

     I am not a stranger to the idea of building your “Emotional Bank” with someone. I have run across this term in numerous self-help books and leadership trainings. I really like the way that John M. Gottman presents the idea of “Turning Towards Each Other” (pg. 87) to build your emotional bank in your marriage.

     Through the years, when my daughter wanted her father’s attention, she was not shy about it. She would send out the warning call, “Daddy, daddy, daddy, attention, attention, attention!” Then she would push aside his computer or book and climb into his lap. She did this regularly from toddlership through the teenage years. Now married, she is not above doing it occasionally for the laugh. It still works!

     There were times in our marriage when I would imitate her, mimicking her tone and her actions, making a blatant bid for his attention that was always rewarded with laughter and fun. While successful, I often made bids that went unnoticed. Gottman points out that in marriage, we are always making ‘bids’ for our spouse's attention. He further points out that our success in marriage hinges on our ability to watch for, recognize and respond to our spouse's bids for attention (Gottman, p88). When we respond to each other's bids for attention, we turn toward each other, and that builds emotional equity that we bank to use in times of tumultuous marriage moments. Those hard times can deplete a well-built bank account. If there is not a high balance in your account in the first place, you might not survive those moments. 

     These bids can be huge like the lap bid, my daughter made the bid but my husband had to choose whether he would ignore it, be irritated by it, or turn towards the relationship. Often, the smallest bids can be the most important. One example of a small bid can be when we are both working on our computers at night and one or the other of us brings up something that can interrupt the train of thought of the other. That bid can be ignored, the spouse can be irritated and choose to respond negatively, or the spouse can choose to turn toward the other spouse by breaking away from the screen, acknowledging the comment, and then smiling or continuing the conversation. In that choice, the spouse either turns towards their partner or away. Some bids for attention that I recognize from my husband are when he offers to get me something to eat, when he comes up behind me and gives me a hug, and when he inquires how my day has gone. Some of the bids that I make are when I offer up the TV controller so that he can watch his news when I rub his shoulders when he is sitting down when I do laundry (he always does laundry) or when I send love messages on my new app Marco Polo. These actions are our attention bids that indicate we are turning toward our partner, hoping they will turn back toward us! When each of us recognizes the attention bid and responds with warmth, a smile, and a sweet phrase, our emotional bank fills. We have weathered many trials in our marriage and survived because of our emotional bank.

     What bids for attention does your spouse make? Do you notice? Do you respond? This is a great conversation to have with your spouse, and if you can do it on a balcony, looking at the beautiful Hawaiian waters, it can’t hurt! Aloha!!!

Works Cited:

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishing Group.