Marriage Is All About Friendly Persuasion!

     

    I love old movies! As I delved into the assigned reading for my Family 300 class, I repeatedly had the movie “Friendly Persuasion” come to mind.

     First, follow this link and listen to Pat Boone sing the theme song for this film. In 1956 this was considered pretty popular! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0VTnNfH_gA or perhaps you would rather hear Aretha Franklin sing it;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEIegpOIbqo

     In this movie, an Amish family’s peaceful existence is turned upside down with the arrival of the Civil War on their doorstep. Multiple storylines are found that deal with the challenges that revolve around their deeply held beliefs including pacifism. As a child, I loved this movie for the comedy that is sprinkled throughout. I completely missed the deeper themes of war, courage, cowardice, integrity, and peace are consistently mentioned in the reviews you will find online.

     As I studied this week’s material, a different aspect of the movie came to mind. As I read review after review, they all mention the themes I listed above. However; take a moment to read the words to the theme song, its title is the same as the movie;

Thee I love more than the meadow so green and still
More than the mulberries on the hill
More than the buds of a Mayapple tree I love thee

Arms have I, strong as the oak for this occasion
Lips have I, to kiss thee, too, in friendly persuasion

Thee is mine though I don't know many words of praise
Thee pleasures me in a hundred ways
Put on your bonnet, your cape, and your glove
And come with me, for thee I love

     This references the relationship between the two married main characters in the film. Eliza and Jess have been married for many years and have built a respected life in their Amish community. As the Civil War descends, Jess finds his beliefs shaken, he makes some questionable choices as he struggles to make sense of the world he thought he knew. Eliza is, rightly, confused by her husband's struggles. They had made their life together based on principles and beliefs that they had agreed to live with. I think that an obvious theme of the movie is the way Jess and Eliza relate to each other in their marriage.  I would also like to make the argument that the title refers to the view that the best marriages find that friendly persuasion is the key to success.

     Eliza often is portrayed as unbending in this movie but I think that it is a study of one partner standing strong and consistent while her husband struggles. Although she doesn’t understand or approve of his choices, through friendly persuasion, they find compromise together.

     In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman talks about the fact that there are two kinds of marital conflict. There is a conflict that can be resolved and is tied to a specific situation. The other type of conflict is perpetual, this conflict is usually never completely settled and keeps showing up like a bad penny in different forms, but always with the same underlying theme.

     The struggles Eliza and Jess face show both kinds of conflict and give some good examples of how they deal with the problems they are facing. Some of their approaches reflect Gottman’s suggestions for how emotionally intelligent couples handle conflict. (pg. 142) Both Jess and Eliza consider how best to approach their counterpart for the best result, they use repair attempts to diffuse the tension, they use compromise, not domination, and time after time, they show patience with each other’s imperfections.

     That is not to say they are perfect. Three of the four horsemen make their appearances. Stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism definitely show up, but the fourth, contempt, is not to be found. (Gottman pg. 117). I believe that there is a lot to be learned by watching this couple in action. I think they understood the truth found in D&C 121:41-42;

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

     Consider conflict you may have had in your family or marital relationship lately. How did you resolve it? Are there unresolved conflicts? Perhaps the use of friendly persuasion is the key!

Works Cited:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

The Doctrine and Covenants. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121.41-42?lang=eng