Loyalty in Marriage

Before I married my husband, we had a few sit downs where we negotiated what our lives would look like once we were married. Things like; if one of us cooked, the other would clean the dishes. We would take turns taking out the trash, I would change all dirty diapers for the first few months of our new baby’s life, and he would do all the baby baths (I was terrified of the thought of bathing a new baby). We found compromises for most things, but there were a few non-negotiables tossed in. My only non-negotiable was that I was keeping my male best friend Little Richard (his dad was called Big Richard, it’s a southern thing). I didn’t buy into the notion that women and men couldn’t be friends once they were married to another partner. I just didn’t want to lose Richard’s friendship because he was born a boy instead of a girl!

Richard and I set specific boundaries (should have been my first clue, you don’t start off friendships with people of the same sex by setting limits!) We spoke every few days on the phone, I never changed the subject or tenor of the conversation if my husband or someone else was in the room. We ate lunch together once a week or so. We didn’t go to restaurants. We always ate in the busy common room at our local Institute building where we were known to everyone, and everyone knew us. I felt we were very transparent and safe.

One day Terry and I had a fight. I went through my usual phone call list to hash out the argument. First, my mom, she wasn’t home. My sister wasn’t home. I was so desperate, I even tried calling my dad! He was my last choice when I needed emotional support. He meant well, but he just didn’t get it. “It will be fine,” or “suck it up and apologize” or once he even said, “That is the dumbest thing to get angry about!” It actually worked that time because then I totally set aside my anger at my husband and was angry at my dad instead!

Amid the frustration of trying to find someone to talk to, Richard called. One of the boundaries I had set was that he and I didn’t ever talk about anything private between Terry and I. However; I was, and he coaxed it out of me. I just poured out my frustration at Rich’s feet. He listened sympathetically and punctuated my pauses with validating remarks. He just got it! I was winding down, feeling very affirmed by Richard, and then he said, “Ah darling, he just doesn’t get it.” That deep southern drawl just eased my heart. Yes! That was it, why couldn’t Terry understand me the way Richard did? 

At that moment it was as if a huge bucket of cold water was dumped on my head. I knew that the conversation I had with Richard had crossed a line. He hadn’t crossed the line, I did! Alarm bells rang in my head, every warning that had been offered to me about Richard and my relationship swarmed around me. I finally saw what others had seen. I was not interested in Richard sexually, or romantically, yet I was becoming emotionally entangled in a way that was not going to help me build my marriage. I hadn’t done anything “BAD,” but I had taken a step on a course that, if it not righted could lead me away from my husband.

I got off the phone and went to my room and prayed. I had hoped I could keep my relationship with Richard as a brother/sister relationship. That phone call wasn’t that. I knew I was going to have to stop our friendship. I cried and cried. My husband came home and found me crying. I told him everything, well, he knew everything, but I told him about this specific phone call and my unloyal thought. I acknowledged to him I had to stop hanging out with Richard, and I admitted that it hurt to have to do it. My amazing husband just held me while I cried.

I called Richard the next day. He was not happy, he really didn’t understand. He couldn’t know because he wasn’t married. He hadn’t made the eternal commitment in the temple with his spouse. I had to remember; “Thou shalt love thy [husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto [him] and none else”(D&C 42:22).

In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard (2009) says, “And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.... The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

My problem was that I loved Richard. I am a super loyal person, and I give a lot to my relationships. We had been best friends for years. He only had a sliver of my heart, but that was too much. I needed to refocus the time, effort, attention and loyalty, that I was giving Richard, to my husband.

All of these years later, I will randomly wonder where Richie is and send a prayer his way that he is as happy in his life as I am in mine. I hope that the day came when he married, that he finally saw the truth and wisdom in my decision. That is wasn’t just what was best for my husband and me, but it was best for him also!

I have been blessed to be married for almost 30 years to the man who is most definitely my best friend, it took us a little longer to get there, but the gift that it is in our marriage is precious. I am grateful for the knowledge that our time on earth is just a small moment of the life we will have together for eternity!

Works Cited;

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.