The Overwhelming Principle That Will Make My Marriage Work (really there are two).

     For my Family 300 class, one of the books that I was assigned was The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. The author, John Gottman (2015), lays out a map of how making even the smallest adjustments in our marriage can, over time, effect positive changes that can make all the difference.

     He gives a plethora of ideas, steps, questionnaires, principles, and other approaches, that when applied correctly will correct our marriage course. However; I think that the overwhelming truth in his book is that we can not change our partner, we can only change ourselves.

     For example; Principle One; Enhance Your Love Maps (pg. 53), here he describes love maps as the richly detailed place where you keep the intimate knowledge of your spouse’s life. You have to know your partner in order to connect with them. Notice, he doesn’t tell you to tell your partner all about your love map so that they can then meet your needs. He directs you to develop your knowledge of your partner so that you can, in turn, meet their needs.

     Gottman's second principle is “Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration”(pg. 67). Your instructions are not to remind your spouse of all the reasons they should be fond of you or admire you, your path is to find ways to help your spouse feel your fondness and admiration for them.

     Each of Gottman’s seven principles reads the same. The book kindly, but firmly, puts the responsibility for your relationship with your spouse in your court. For there to be change in your marriage, you must be the one to change. It has to be this way, because the truth is, you can not change another person! 

     In the second book of our assigned class reading, “Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, “ Goddard (2009) actually quotes an earlier version of Gottman's book by saying that 70% of who a person is cannot be changed. Goddard continues saying that the 30% of your significant other that can be changed, will only be changed if you enjoy them the way they are! The unspoken rest of that would be that when your spouse sees you work at changing yourself and loving them, then they may choose to change. (pg. 127)r

     I believe that Goddard adds the most important principle of all with his book. Gottman makes it clear that we must change ourselves. He gives you clear steps that have worked in relationship after relationship to heal and build marriages. However; why doesn't everyone use these principles successfully? Simply put, changing ourselves is not an easy one, two, three, type of process. We can know that we have to change but how do we change who we are? How can we set aside our fragile egos, our self-absorption, our need for control, our petty disdain, our traits that we have built from birth? 

    Goddard reminds us of the most important principle of all. To change our nature, we have to change our heart! The natural man is not well suited to accomplish this. In order to change, we must find charity and firmly entrench it in our hearts and minds. Only Christ and the Atonement can create a path where we can truly set aside our poor habits of the past to build a relationship with our spouse that will bring us happiness now and forever.

    So the first truth that I must accept is that I can not change my spouse, I must focus on changing myself. The second truth is that change is not so easy or everyone would be doing it. To make my marriage work, I need to accept the Atonement and Christ’s influence in my life. As I develop true Christlike charity, I will see my spouse as the Lord sees him. I will be able to see how I can change my weaknesses into strengths that will buoy my partner and build our marriage.

Work Cited:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

 Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.