This Post Isn't About Sleepovers

     Through the years, my husband’s commute to work has varied. In some cases, he would have to drive almost an hour to get to his place of employment. To pass the time, he would listen to talks of various church authorities on cassette tape (remember those?) One day, as we were discussing our parenting challenges, he made a suggestion that would change the course of our parenting forever.

     

     On a tape my husband had been listening to, a general authority had mentioned that they had instituted a family policy of no sleepovers at other people’s homes. Our first daughter was in kindergarten and had received her first invite just days before. My husband had prayerfully considered whether or not we should accept and he felt we should adopt a “No Sleepover Policy” for our family. I have to admit, I was not happy with his suggestion and I pushed back, hard! I had dozens of arguments that I employed. He firmly felt that we needed to follow the example the general authority set. I would pray about whether it was OK for our daughter to go to this sleepover and felt it would be fine. He would pray about it and state that he felt we should chart our course to deny all sleepovers. It was maddening! I was frustrated because I felt he didn’t understand the role sleepovers played in bonding within girl friendships. I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like I was getting the same answers to prayer that he had.

     I went to my mom in a less than positive way. She patiently listened to my lengthy complaints and then made one simple suggestion. Change the question. I was stymied by that proposal. What did she mean? To make a long story a little shorter, I changed my question. Instead of asking if sleepovers were evil, or if my daughter would be safe, or any of the other myriad questions I had asked the Lord to confirm my side of the argument, I simply asked if I should support my husband in his inspiration.

I got a resounding “yes” answer. It was hard to do, I didn’t understand, but I moved forward in faith. 

     My daughter was part of a tight group of girls and it was difficult to work through. The girls were unhappy, the parents of the other girls were unhappy and I could tell they felt judged by our decision. Then, two years later I got a call from a crying mom. “I wish we had the same sleepover policy you did!” This group of girls had stayed at the house of a parent that I would have let my daughter stay at. That mom had allowed the 8-year-old girls to watch an “R” movie. Her excuse was that her ex-husband allowed her daughter to watch anything she wanted and she was tired of fighting her. It was two years of following my prompting in faith before the wisdom of the choice was shown to me.

     I hit my knees in gratitude when I got off the phone. I had come so close to allowing my pride to force my will over that of the Lord. I realize now that my husband had been inspired with what the Lord knew to be the BEST for my family long term, in eternal terms, not just for that weekend.

   
     President Ezra Taft Benson talks about the need to “Beware of Pride”, one section of his talk that struck me reads, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

     As I look back, I realize that I was engaged in a prideful struggle. I thought that I was trying to convince my husband that I knew better. He was so very patient with me and I know it is because he understood that the decision to pass on sleepovers was inspiration from our Heavenly Father. My husband would not change his stance, I could not move him from what he felt was right, but he also would not coerce me to come to an agreement with him. I could have just taken her to the slumber party that first time and he would have not fought me on it. Instead, he followed the counsel found in a talk titled Unrighteous Dominion where the author states, "Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed."

     I am ashamed to say, if he had put his foot down, I would have taken her. He didn’t, we had made a commitment to parent together, that we would work together and move forward in agreement always. He stuck to his end of the bargain. I am so grateful that I stopped, “pitting my perception of truth against God’s great knowledge” (Benson 1999) and stuck to my end of the bargain.

     This post isn’t about sleepovers. Every family has to find their way on a multitude of topics and I don’t feel that our struggle with this topic is necessarily yours. I do feel that the tendency to put our own needs first in marriage originates in pride. I think we all struggle with it. If we can see it in our past actions, acknowledge it, repent it, then we have a better chance of setting it aside in the here and now. I have to intentionally beware of pride at those moments when I struggle with counsel from those around me. I need to be sure I am working God's plan and not my own. Get thee hence PRIDE!

Works Cited:

Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Beware of Pride. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Peterson, H. B. (n.d.). Unrighteous Dominion. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng