When my first daughter got ready for college, we sat down in front of a large black and white coloring page of the United States and had the following conversation.
“You will start dating prospective spouses, and you will, in the course of the first date, or even before that, find out where they come to school from.” I then grabbed a green coloring crayon and starting coloring the state of Oregon, Washington, Idaho, and Utah green. “These states are preferable!” Then I picked up a yellow crayon and colored Wyoming, Colorado, Montana, Nevada, Arizona, and Texas, “Grandma really would prefer not to have to go to these places.” An orange crayon colored a swath of states in the Midwest, “grandma will be cranky if she has to travel to these states,” and finally I pulled out the red and started aggressively coloring all the states that were left. “On no account will you date boys from these states! Grandma will not travel to these states! I got to the end of Florida and immediately changed my tone as I colored the bottom half green, “Grandma does go to southern Florida.” I picked up the red crayon and with savage strokes started coloring California, “Grandma does not go here…..except, (I loving color a little green spot that covers Anaheim, California) grandma goes to Disneyland!” I also continued with my directions, “You ask BEFORE you become emotionally entangled!” I also directed them to put said map on the wall in her dorm. “That is directly connected to your grocery money little girl!” I insisted.
Some of you are wondering if I really did this, I did! When my daughter called to let us know she had her first boyfriend, the first thing I asked was, “Where is his family?” There was a pause before my daughter sheepishly confessed, “Rhode Island.” “What color of the map is Rhode Island?” I demanded, “Is the map on your wall?” My daughter said the map was on the wall but “Mom, he has family in Oregon, I thought that would be enough!” We were laughing, but there was a note of seriousness in this whole exercise.
Authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen would probably warn that I was too enmeshed with my children. They would define it as, “Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront.” The teen years in our house were not without trials and tribulations, but for the most part, I enjoyed my teenagers immensely. I believe that the teenage years are the best! I definitely was very connected to my children and looked at the future launching with concern. However, it really wasn’t as much about my children leaving as it was about being close to future grandchildren. I knew I was an acceptable mother, but I have always known I was destined to be a Rockstar grandmother!
I grew up an Army Brat and, in most instances, only saw my grandparents once a year. All of my parent’s siblings lived in the same town as their parents. All of my cousins had grandma and grandpa anytime they wanted, on demand. I was desperately jealous of that. My grandparents loved me, but they obviously had a fuller relationship with the cousins they saw, in some cases, daily. I wanted my grandchildren close, not necessarily my children, but I had to accept to get my grandchildren; they probably needed their parents too!
Seriously though, I did go through that exercise with my oldest three children as they left for college. It was a source of laughter and connection. They were always ready for the question when they were dating someone new, and I always asked it! My eldest daughter is married and loves to point out she has done the best because her spouse’s family is in the green. My other married daughter's spouse landed in the yellow, and my son's parents live in Poland and don't even land on the map!
It is imperative that as parents we encourage our children to take into consideration many traits that are important when considering a future spouse. The location of their family is not one of them. I have had to readjust my dream to allow my children the full freedom to marry the spouse that is best for them, to help them “create and keep a strong marital boundary” (Harper & Olsen 2005) and to accept that the Lord’s plans for their future homes may not in any way resemble my 20 plus year dream of grandchildren within hugging distance. Three children married, two sons to go!
Don’t worry kids, Grandma travels ANYWHERE!
I updated this post on 1/29/21 realizing, too late, that I should have left it as a 2019 memory...sad face.
No comments:
Post a Comment