Hawaii! My husband and I have a newfound love! I always thought Hawaii would be a tourist trap. After years of my sister and my husband working on me, I finally consented to go on a cruise in 2014 and now I am a believer! In April, we are heading out again. This trip will be our fourth trip to Hawaii. I am spoiled, I know!

     Often couples think that the ultimate romance and relationship repair can be found on exciting getaways like these. In reality, it is the little things, the day-to-day moments, that can make or break a marriage.

     I am not a stranger to the idea of building your “Emotional Bank” with someone. I have run across this term in numerous self-help books and leadership trainings. I really like the way that John M. Gottman presents the idea of “Turning Towards Each Other” (pg. 87) to build your emotional bank in your marriage.

     Through the years, when my daughter wanted her father’s attention, she was not shy about it. She would send out the warning call, “Daddy, daddy, daddy, attention, attention, attention!” Then she would push aside his computer or book and climb into his lap. She did this regularly from toddlership through the teenage years. Now married, she is not above doing it occasionally for the laugh. It still works!

     There were times in our marriage when I would imitate her, mimicking her tone and her actions, making a blatant bid for his attention that was always rewarded with laughter and fun. While successful, I often made bids that went unnoticed. Gottman points out that in marriage, we are always making ‘bids’ for our spouse's attention. He further points out that our success in marriage hinges on our ability to watch for, recognize and respond to our spouse's bids for attention (Gottman, p88). When we respond to each other's bids for attention, we turn toward each other, and that builds emotional equity that we bank to use in times of tumultuous marriage moments. Those hard times can deplete a well-built bank account. If there is not a high balance in your account in the first place, you might not survive those moments. 

     These bids can be huge like the lap bid, my daughter made the bid but my husband had to choose whether he would ignore it, be irritated by it, or turn towards the relationship. Often, the smallest bids can be the most important. One example of a small bid can be when we are both working on our computers at night and one or the other of us brings up something that can interrupt the train of thought of the other. That bid can be ignored, the spouse can be irritated and choose to respond negatively, or the spouse can choose to turn toward the other spouse by breaking away from the screen, acknowledging the comment, and then smiling or continuing the conversation. In that choice, the spouse either turns towards their partner or away. Some bids for attention that I recognize from my husband are when he offers to get me something to eat, when he comes up behind me and gives me a hug, and when he inquires how my day has gone. Some of the bids that I make are when I offer up the TV controller so that he can watch his news when I rub his shoulders when he is sitting down when I do laundry (he always does laundry) or when I send love messages on my new app Marco Polo. These actions are our attention bids that indicate we are turning toward our partner, hoping they will turn back toward us! When each of us recognizes the attention bid and responds with warmth, a smile, and a sweet phrase, our emotional bank fills. We have weathered many trials in our marriage and survived because of our emotional bank.

     What bids for attention does your spouse make? Do you notice? Do you respond? This is a great conversation to have with your spouse, and if you can do it on a balcony, looking at the beautiful Hawaiian waters, it can’t hurt! Aloha!!!

Works Cited:

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishing Group.

Have We Really Pondered Mother Eve’s Experience?

     Adam and Eve, most every Christian has heard the story of how Adam and Eve lived, and then were expelled from the Garden of Eden. If you give me the time, I could make a case about how their story is a study in how to parent. With more time, I could likewise make a case that their path is an exemplar of a covenant marriage. Both of these approaches do what the scriptures do best, they teach if we are willing to learn.

     But what about after Eden, after they were sent out to make their way in the world, we don’t talk too much about that time in their lives. Even when we discuss Cain’s murder of Abel, it is usually a cautionary approach about where personal selfishness can lead us. I don’t think I have ever considered Eve’s part in that tragic story. Then I read this poem;

Lamentation

by Arta Romney Ballif

And God said, “BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY –”
Multiply, multiply – echoes multiply

God said, “I WILL GREATLY MULTIPLY THEY SORROW–”
Thy sorrow, sorrow, sorrow –

I have gotten a man from the Lord
I have traded the fruit of the garden for fruit of my body
For a laughing bundle of humanity.

And now another one who looks like Adam
We shall call this one, “Abel.”
It is a lovely name “Abel.”

Cain, Abel, the world is yours.
God set the sun in the heaven to light your days
To warm the flocks, to kernel the grain
He illuminated your nights with stars

He made the trees and the fruit thereof yielding seed
He made every living thing, the wheat, the sheep, the cattle
For your enjoyment
And, behold, it is very good.

Adam? Adam
Where art thou?
Where are the boys?
The sky darkens with clouds.
Adam, is that you?
Where is Abel?
He is long caring for his flocks.
The sky is black and the rain hammers.
Are the ewes lambing
In this storm?

Why your troubled face, Adam?
Are you ill?
Why so pale, so agitated?
The wind will pass
The lambs will birth
With Abel’s help.

Dead?
What is dead?

Merciful God!

Hurry, bring warm water
I’ll bathe his wounds
Bring clean Clothes
Bring herbs.
I’ll heal him.

I am trying to understand.
You said, “Abel is dead.”
But I am skilled with herbs
Remember when he was seven
The fever? Remember how—

Herbs will not heal?
Dead?

And Cain? Where is Cain?
Listen to that thunder.

Cain cursed?
What has happened to him?
God said, “A fugitive and a vagabond?”

But God can’t do that.
They are my sons, too.
I gave them birth
In the valley of pain.

Adam, try to understand
In the valley of pain
I bore them
fugitive?
vagabond?

This is his home
This the soil he loved
Where he toiled for golden wheat
For tasseled corn.

To the hill country?
There are rocks in the hill country
Cain can’t work in the hill country
The nights are cold
Cold and lonely, and the wind gales.

Quick, we must find him
A basket of bread and his coat
I worry, thinking of him wandering
With no place to lay his head.
Cain cursed?
A wanderer, a roamer?
Who will bake his bread and mend his coat?

Abel, my son dead?
And Cain, my son, a fugitive
Two sons
Adam, we had two sons
Both – Oh, Adam –
multiply
sorrow

Dear God, Why?
Tell me again about the fruit
Why?
Please, tell me again
Why?

     I was crying when I finished this poem! I had never considered the anguish that Eve felt in that moment when she lost not one, but two of her boys in one fell swoop. She followed the Lord’s command, she multiplied and found joy. As a mother, I can identify with the fact that I didn’t understand true joy until I had children of my own. Truthfully, I thought it was the epitome of joy until I had a grandchild. My joy has been multiplied in my posterity!

     I also can attest to the fact that I have felt some of my greatest sorrow in connection with my children. I have cried bitter tears as I watched them face challenges, stumble, fall, and then as they pick themselves back up and move forward again, the joy returns!

What if they don’t pick themselves back up? Although Eve understands that Cain has committed an atrocity, it doesn’t change her commitment and love for him. She wants to save him! Mother Eve wants to salvage what she can from the horror that has intruded on her life. I can not honestly imagine what she felt, but I can recognize the depth of struggle reflected in the battles of mothers all around me.

     What if the storms bring sorrow inflicted on our children, through no fault of their own? Abel’s loss was unlooked for and unbidden by any action of his own. The real personal anguish can come in thousands or even millions of unique situations. What can we do? Where can we turn for peace?

     The Atonement our answer, Christ suffered all that we could conceive (or not conceive) in pain on this earth. In a General Conference talk entitled, The Atonement Covers All Pain, Kent F. Richards says; “Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?”7 I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.” Figuring out how to access the Atonement is our challenge.

    In Eve’s situation, I cannot help but imagine that in her despair she turned to her husband as they both turned to the Lord for comfort. After all they had endured, I believe that their marriage was the safe port in the storm they could retreat to.

    Barbara B Smith, in a talk entitled, “A Safe Place for Marriages and Families” show what this would look like when she says, “The scriptural passages in Proverbs 31 are well known for their listing of the admirable qualities of the virtuous woman, whose “price is far above rubies” (Prov. 31:10), but in verse 11 we discover a remarkable description of marriage. It reads: “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” [Prov. 31:11] This memorable line discloses, first, that the husband has entrusted his heart to his wife, and second, that she safeguards it. They seem to understand an important truth that every man and woman who covenant to establish a family must create a safe place for their love.

     How do we do that? How do we build a marriage that is a safe place in the worst of the storms? There are so many places that we can go with this question! I want to mention the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman’s first principle is, “Enhance Your Love Maps.” Gottman describes a love map as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life .  .   . Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  If you don’t really know one more, how can you truly love them?” Gottman finishes with a biblical reference point out “No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to ‘know’” (pg. 54).

     I immediately connected with this idea, how can you turn to each other at the moment when you are stressed beyond all possibilities and find comfort if you are strangers to one another, you have to speak each other’s language. One silly but noteworthy example in my marriage was when I discovered “hangry” was a real thing! Sometimes, my calm, loving, and peaceful husband would become irritable and snappish. From my point of view, I could see no rhyme or reason for it. I remember struggling to figure out the pattern, and I don’t remember exactly when it came to me, but I finally realized that if he went too long without food, he would become “hangry”! I was a grazer and didn’t do a great job at providing meals on a schedule. Once I made the Hangry connection, It was so much easier not to take offense at “random” snappishness. I would feed him! I became conscious of the need to cook meals on a schedule. Once I realized our needs were different, I put his first in this instance, met his needs and the random behavior all but disappeared. At this point, I have to admit that my husband learned my love map long before I learned his!

     I am convinced Adam and Eve knew each other’s love maps intimately. I finish reading the last few sentences of this poem, and in my mind's eye I see Adam sweeping Eve into his arms where they cry out their bitter tears, and in the aftermath work together to find God’s Grace in their difficulties. I have had moments of despair where I found that support in my husband’s arms. I have had the revelatory moment where I realize that my husband’s love is a type and shadow that helps me to recognize my Savior’s love for me. My husband is my strength, I am his, and as we work together towards him, Christ is ours.

Works Cited:

Beebop708, A. (2016, November 09). Lamentation Poem, by Arta Romney Ballif. Retrieved from          https://hope4anew.wordpress.com/2016/10/29/lamentation-poem-by-arta-romney-ballif/

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York:               Harmony Books.

     Richards, K. F. (n.d.). The Atonement Covers All Pain. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng

      
      Smith, B. B. (n.d.). A Safe Place for Marriages and Families. Retrieved from

               https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1981/10/a-safe-place-for-marriages-and-families?        lang=eng      

        

Beebop708, A. (2016, November 09). Lamentation Poem, by Arta Romney Ballif. Retrieved from https://hope4anew.wordpress.com/2016/10/29/lamentation-poem-by-arta-romney-ballif/

Richards, K. F. (n.d.). The Atonement Covers All Pain. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng

Smith, B. B. (n.d.). A Safe Place for Marriages and Families. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1981/10/a-safe-place-for-marriages-and-families?lang=eng

Beebop708, A. (2016, November 09). Lamentation Poem, by Arta Romney Ballif. Retrieved from https://hope4anew.wordpress.com/2016/10/29/lamentation-poem-by-arta-romney-ballif/

Richards, K. F. (n.d.). The Atonement Covers All Pain. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng

Smith, B. B. (n.d.). A Safe Place for Marriages and Families. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1981/10/a-safe-place-for-marriages-and-families?lang=eng

Beebop708, A. (2016, November 09). Lamentation Poem, by Arta Romney Ballif. Retrieved from https://hope4anew.wordpress.com/2016/10/29/lamentation-poem-by-arta-romney-ballif/

Richards, K. F. (n.d.). The Atonement Covers All Pain. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng

Smith, B. B. (n.d.). A Safe Place for Marriages and Families. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1981/10/a-safe-place-for-marriages-and-families?lang=eng

Finding what we need to know!

         

     
“Sometimes we are reluctant to receive counsel; we push back from someone offering us suggestions. We get the notion that we already know what we need to know; pride gets in the way. When that occurs, we forfeit the wisdom, information, or experience which would otherwise bless our lives.” (Rasband, 2010)

     I found this quote hanging over my father’s desk as I made the long trip home to spend time with my parents this week. Really, I went home to spend time with my mother who is sliding ever so painfully into Alzheimer’s. It was a hard week, sad, painful, and lovely all at once, and I kept reading that quote knowing that it had a message meant for me.

In my past blogs, I have mused on becoming intentional in my marriage. This week, in my assigned readings, I have come to the realization that I must work harder to set aside my pride and to embrace the knowledge that I have been sitting pretty comfortable in my marriage. I am definitely guilty of thinking that I already know what I need to know!

     So how do we find what we need to know? In this day and age, opportunities for enlightenment can come from a myriad of sources. I looked up the reference for Rasband’s speech and found this lovely talk about friendships and being mentored.  Getting suggestions from others is one way to find the information you need.

     I believe that finding a good book is another way to find information that can make a difference in your understanding of marriage. With all the choices out there, I want to throw a book into the ring for you to consider, Gottman’s, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. While only 3 chapters into it, I am riveted to the content! It has been an eye-opening experience that has encouraged me and at a few spots forced me to be a little uncomfortable as I had to consider whether I could set aside my pride to see how I needed to make changes in my approach to marriage.

     Gottman’s overall theme actually works very well with Rasband’s talk. Gottman builds a strong argument that happy marriages are rooted in deep friendship. While this is not necessarily unique information, you can find lots of people that theorize on this topic, Gottman supports his premise and advice with highly documented scientific studies. As an unlooked-for bonus, it is not written in scientific fancy speech! It is clear cut and to the point.

     There are so many ideas and new concepts that I have found in this book that I would love to talk to you about. Today, I am going to bring up the notion of “repair attempts” in arguments. Dr. Gottman claims that the amount of failed or successful repair attempts in an argument are the best predictor of divorce!

     So, what is a repair attempt? Gottman explains the term as referring to any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. How do you recognize the time to use a repair attempt? When you are arguing with your spouse do you find yourself suddenly realizing that your tone is bordering disrespectful, or you feel that the discussion has left the rational and is headed for irrational, or maybe you are bewildered as to how an innocent remark could bring your conflict to such a heated point so quickly, or .   .   . fill in the blank. You want to change the trajectory of the conflict and so you throw out a lifeline to your spouse hoping they will take you up on it. Maybe you start off with something in a serious tone like, “I realize that sounded flippant but I didn’t mean it that way,” or maybe something silly like an inside joke that is designed to lighten the mood.

     Looking back over my marriage I can see how my husband and I have used repair attempts as a secret weapon (Gottman, 2015) to help us get through bumpy moments in our marriage. However, reading about this concept became uncomfortable for me because even though I didn’t have a name for repair attempts, sometimes in my early years of marriage, I would see that my husband was extending a repair attempt and I would often willfully ignore it or just flat not accept it! I am so grateful my husband was willing to continue working with me to build the life we have today. So, take an inventory of your arguments. Do you use repair attempts? More importantly do you accept them when they are offered?

     I am really looking forward to the rest of this book! So many more things to learn! 

Works Cited:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York:     Harmony Books.

Rasband, R. A. (n.d.). Thy Friends Do Stand By Thee: Mentors and Friendship. Retrieved from     https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/ronald-a-rasband_thy-friends-stand-thee/

Contract or Covenant; 

are we even talking about the same thing?

     When I am talking with someone that has an opinion about same-sex marriage that is different from mine, I have often gotten frustrated and wondered if we were even speaking in the same language. My view of marriage is different than that of most of my non-member friends. With that in mind, my approach has always been to talk about the general world view of divorce.

     Let me preface this to ward off all the comments that will follow about the real circumstances that occur that necessitate a divorce. I am not talking about the end product or even the final decision to get a divorce. I am referring to the growing view of the modern world that says, “I am marrying you because you “complete me.” I interpret this to mean, “You are meeting all the needs that I knowingly have at this time, however, should new needs arise or should you stop meeting the needs I have, we can always divorce.” When people I converse with pretty much agree with this view of divorce, it illustrates that our idea of marriage are polar opposites.  When my husband and I married, we were clear that we were choosing each other forever. Divorce was not an option, ever! So, when speaking with someone with a different view of divorce, it illustrates that there are basic fundamental differences in our concept of what marriage is. It has been easy to identify that we view marriage differently but a struggle to explain what that looks like in conversations.

     Then, I read Elder Bruce Hafen’s talk from the November 1996 Ensign titled, “Covenant Marriage.” Wow, this just reflected what I was struggling to put into words! He talks about how we need to know if our marriage is built on a contract or a covenant. He talks about Jesus teaching of the “hireling” who “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he ….careth not for the sheep. In this instance, when the going gets tough, the shepherd saves his own neck! On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have the example of the Savior, he is the Good Shepherd who laid down his life for us, his flock!

     If both of these examples represent different perceptions of marriage, which model is indeed marriage? I believe that people that do not see the harm in same-sex marriage think of marriage as a private contract between two people that can be terminated at will when they perceive that there is no longer a clear benefit to them, or when their needs are no longer being met. I believe this model of marriage encourages a person to focus on their own needs first and misses the point that marriage is about growing and developing together. Each person put their own needs aside and find a new set of needs in a united front. I feel that approaching marriage and divorce as a contract is wrong because divorce always comes with major negative consequences. At the very minimum, I believe that those consequences are the reason that people should acknowledge that marriage is a contract that is between two people and the state at the very least. The state often is stuck with the consequences of divorce. One example of that is divorce creates poverty. Regularly a spouse, once divorced, cannot meet all the bills and must turn to the state for sustenance. The state is expected to set in and make up the difference. For this reason, the state has a considerable stake in marriage and should be allowed to make the laws governing marriage.

     So what is a covenant marriage? As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have a been raised to believe that marriage is one man and one woman for time and all eternity. You take what comes and make it work! This is not a contract that can be broken, but a covenant that we make with God and each other.  I believe in covenant marriage, not contract marriage. When two people disagree about same-sex marriage, I think this dichotomy is the root of our disagreement.  Traditional marriage means you are going into marriage with no intent of divorce! “Till death do us part,” I believe that there can be more than that sentence implies, but the intention of making a choice, not knowing what will come, but committing to work with your partner to overcome all with the help of the Lord, that is EVERYTHING! Most people that believe in same-sex marriage think the idea of "till death do you part" or "for time and all eternity" is quaint, cute, or even desirable, but they don't really believe it is possible in this day and age.

     How do I explain to someone that “got going when the going got rough” what they missed by not hanging in and triumphing together with their spouse? The obstacle, sometimes it is an external event beyond anyone's control, sometimes it is an internal threat formed through personal selfishness. Then comes the frustration, the anger, the tears, recriminations, the hopelessness that can creep in, but in that moment of weakness, you dismiss thoughts of walking away! As a couple, you renew your commitment, and the hard work starts as partners make a plan to overcome. It isn't smooth, it is rocky, bumpy, you are bruised, your edges are knocked around, things can get really bad! In the dark hours you might wonder why the prayers seem not to work, or why the answers aren't appearing when you want them, but then hope appears in the distance! You are surprised because the resolution is often not at all what you thought it would be, but you come out on the other end and find that you are changed, that your marriage is changed for the better.  That first real challenge creates confidence that you can do it again! It creates a bond that can’t be explained but needs to be experienced!

     An example that comes to mind is a scene from a famous Broadway play and a movie called, “Fiddler on the Roof.” Perhaps you remember the scene where Tevye asks Golde, “Do you love me?”. They had not chosen each other for love, their parents had made the match according to their religious beliefs. Golde is flustered by Tevye's question, to answer him, she describes her actions in marriage, the things they have overcome together but doesn’t give back those specific words. He asks again, “Do you love me?”. She again tries to answer him in the way that makes sense for her. I love the example of a marriage that is not perfect, there are mistakes made, but it shows two people that love God and have worked side by side, conquering challenge after challenge. They realize that those years of unselfish commitment in their lives, living their religion, had built love between them! Here is the link! Do you love me? Go ahead and watch it, I’ll wait!

     To honestly have a discussion about marriage, I think we need to ask ourselves if we believe marriage is a contract or covenant! From my perspective, arguing about same-sex marriage is just an extension or symptom of the argument; Is traditional marriage a contract or covenant?  I believe that when someone is fighting against same-sex marriage, they are really fighting for traditional marriage, a covenant marriage. It is not just about religion. Please consider what our society would look like today if both members of every marriage entered into it truly meaning "til death do us part" or "for time and all eternity," and then worked towards that end. What ills in this world would disappear?

     My husband and I have chosen a covenant marriage. We have had ups and downs, we have fought, struggled to face opposition together as partners, and together we have had great moments of joy! We intentionally choose each other every day, as we work to live in obedience to God’s commandments, we grow together in ways we could never have anticipated on the day we wed. In this day and age, our choice is indeed the “Road Less Traveled,” and we are better for it! How do you define marriage?

Cited Sources:
Hafen, Bruce C. “Covenant Marriage.” Doctrine and Covenants 8, www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng.