Finding what we need to know!

         

     
“Sometimes we are reluctant to receive counsel; we push back from someone offering us suggestions. We get the notion that we already know what we need to know; pride gets in the way. When that occurs, we forfeit the wisdom, information, or experience which would otherwise bless our lives.” (Rasband, 2010)

     I found this quote hanging over my father’s desk as I made the long trip home to spend time with my parents this week. Really, I went home to spend time with my mother who is sliding ever so painfully into Alzheimer’s. It was a hard week, sad, painful, and lovely all at once, and I kept reading that quote knowing that it had a message meant for me.

In my past blogs, I have mused on becoming intentional in my marriage. This week, in my assigned readings, I have come to the realization that I must work harder to set aside my pride and to embrace the knowledge that I have been sitting pretty comfortable in my marriage. I am definitely guilty of thinking that I already know what I need to know!

     So how do we find what we need to know? In this day and age, opportunities for enlightenment can come from a myriad of sources. I looked up the reference for Rasband’s speech and found this lovely talk about friendships and being mentored.  Getting suggestions from others is one way to find the information you need.

     I believe that finding a good book is another way to find information that can make a difference in your understanding of marriage. With all the choices out there, I want to throw a book into the ring for you to consider, Gottman’s, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. While only 3 chapters into it, I am riveted to the content! It has been an eye-opening experience that has encouraged me and at a few spots forced me to be a little uncomfortable as I had to consider whether I could set aside my pride to see how I needed to make changes in my approach to marriage.

     Gottman’s overall theme actually works very well with Rasband’s talk. Gottman builds a strong argument that happy marriages are rooted in deep friendship. While this is not necessarily unique information, you can find lots of people that theorize on this topic, Gottman supports his premise and advice with highly documented scientific studies. As an unlooked-for bonus, it is not written in scientific fancy speech! It is clear cut and to the point.

     There are so many ideas and new concepts that I have found in this book that I would love to talk to you about. Today, I am going to bring up the notion of “repair attempts” in arguments. Dr. Gottman claims that the amount of failed or successful repair attempts in an argument are the best predictor of divorce!

     So, what is a repair attempt? Gottman explains the term as referring to any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. How do you recognize the time to use a repair attempt? When you are arguing with your spouse do you find yourself suddenly realizing that your tone is bordering disrespectful, or you feel that the discussion has left the rational and is headed for irrational, or maybe you are bewildered as to how an innocent remark could bring your conflict to such a heated point so quickly, or .   .   . fill in the blank. You want to change the trajectory of the conflict and so you throw out a lifeline to your spouse hoping they will take you up on it. Maybe you start off with something in a serious tone like, “I realize that sounded flippant but I didn’t mean it that way,” or maybe something silly like an inside joke that is designed to lighten the mood.

     Looking back over my marriage I can see how my husband and I have used repair attempts as a secret weapon (Gottman, 2015) to help us get through bumpy moments in our marriage. However, reading about this concept became uncomfortable for me because even though I didn’t have a name for repair attempts, sometimes in my early years of marriage, I would see that my husband was extending a repair attempt and I would often willfully ignore it or just flat not accept it! I am so grateful my husband was willing to continue working with me to build the life we have today. So, take an inventory of your arguments. Do you use repair attempts? More importantly do you accept them when they are offered?

     I am really looking forward to the rest of this book! So many more things to learn! 

Works Cited:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York:     Harmony Books.

Rasband, R. A. (n.d.). Thy Friends Do Stand By Thee: Mentors and Friendship. Retrieved from     https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/ronald-a-rasband_thy-friends-stand-thee/