Contract or Covenant; 

are we even talking about the same thing?

     When I am talking with someone that has an opinion about same-sex marriage that is different from mine, I have often gotten frustrated and wondered if we were even speaking in the same language. My view of marriage is different than that of most of my non-member friends. With that in mind, my approach has always been to talk about the general world view of divorce.

     Let me preface this to ward off all the comments that will follow about the real circumstances that occur that necessitate a divorce. I am not talking about the end product or even the final decision to get a divorce. I am referring to the growing view of the modern world that says, “I am marrying you because you “complete me.” I interpret this to mean, “You are meeting all the needs that I knowingly have at this time, however, should new needs arise or should you stop meeting the needs I have, we can always divorce.” When people I converse with pretty much agree with this view of divorce, it illustrates that our idea of marriage are polar opposites.  When my husband and I married, we were clear that we were choosing each other forever. Divorce was not an option, ever! So, when speaking with someone with a different view of divorce, it illustrates that there are basic fundamental differences in our concept of what marriage is. It has been easy to identify that we view marriage differently but a struggle to explain what that looks like in conversations.

     Then, I read Elder Bruce Hafen’s talk from the November 1996 Ensign titled, “Covenant Marriage.” Wow, this just reflected what I was struggling to put into words! He talks about how we need to know if our marriage is built on a contract or a covenant. He talks about Jesus teaching of the “hireling” who “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he ….careth not for the sheep. In this instance, when the going gets tough, the shepherd saves his own neck! On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have the example of the Savior, he is the Good Shepherd who laid down his life for us, his flock!

     If both of these examples represent different perceptions of marriage, which model is indeed marriage? I believe that people that do not see the harm in same-sex marriage think of marriage as a private contract between two people that can be terminated at will when they perceive that there is no longer a clear benefit to them, or when their needs are no longer being met. I believe this model of marriage encourages a person to focus on their own needs first and misses the point that marriage is about growing and developing together. Each person put their own needs aside and find a new set of needs in a united front. I feel that approaching marriage and divorce as a contract is wrong because divorce always comes with major negative consequences. At the very minimum, I believe that those consequences are the reason that people should acknowledge that marriage is a contract that is between two people and the state at the very least. The state often is stuck with the consequences of divorce. One example of that is divorce creates poverty. Regularly a spouse, once divorced, cannot meet all the bills and must turn to the state for sustenance. The state is expected to set in and make up the difference. For this reason, the state has a considerable stake in marriage and should be allowed to make the laws governing marriage.

     So what is a covenant marriage? As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have a been raised to believe that marriage is one man and one woman for time and all eternity. You take what comes and make it work! This is not a contract that can be broken, but a covenant that we make with God and each other.  I believe in covenant marriage, not contract marriage. When two people disagree about same-sex marriage, I think this dichotomy is the root of our disagreement.  Traditional marriage means you are going into marriage with no intent of divorce! “Till death do us part,” I believe that there can be more than that sentence implies, but the intention of making a choice, not knowing what will come, but committing to work with your partner to overcome all with the help of the Lord, that is EVERYTHING! Most people that believe in same-sex marriage think the idea of "till death do you part" or "for time and all eternity" is quaint, cute, or even desirable, but they don't really believe it is possible in this day and age.

     How do I explain to someone that “got going when the going got rough” what they missed by not hanging in and triumphing together with their spouse? The obstacle, sometimes it is an external event beyond anyone's control, sometimes it is an internal threat formed through personal selfishness. Then comes the frustration, the anger, the tears, recriminations, the hopelessness that can creep in, but in that moment of weakness, you dismiss thoughts of walking away! As a couple, you renew your commitment, and the hard work starts as partners make a plan to overcome. It isn't smooth, it is rocky, bumpy, you are bruised, your edges are knocked around, things can get really bad! In the dark hours you might wonder why the prayers seem not to work, or why the answers aren't appearing when you want them, but then hope appears in the distance! You are surprised because the resolution is often not at all what you thought it would be, but you come out on the other end and find that you are changed, that your marriage is changed for the better.  That first real challenge creates confidence that you can do it again! It creates a bond that can’t be explained but needs to be experienced!

     An example that comes to mind is a scene from a famous Broadway play and a movie called, “Fiddler on the Roof.” Perhaps you remember the scene where Tevye asks Golde, “Do you love me?”. They had not chosen each other for love, their parents had made the match according to their religious beliefs. Golde is flustered by Tevye's question, to answer him, she describes her actions in marriage, the things they have overcome together but doesn’t give back those specific words. He asks again, “Do you love me?”. She again tries to answer him in the way that makes sense for her. I love the example of a marriage that is not perfect, there are mistakes made, but it shows two people that love God and have worked side by side, conquering challenge after challenge. They realize that those years of unselfish commitment in their lives, living their religion, had built love between them! Here is the link! Do you love me? Go ahead and watch it, I’ll wait!

     To honestly have a discussion about marriage, I think we need to ask ourselves if we believe marriage is a contract or covenant! From my perspective, arguing about same-sex marriage is just an extension or symptom of the argument; Is traditional marriage a contract or covenant?  I believe that when someone is fighting against same-sex marriage, they are really fighting for traditional marriage, a covenant marriage. It is not just about religion. Please consider what our society would look like today if both members of every marriage entered into it truly meaning "til death do us part" or "for time and all eternity," and then worked towards that end. What ills in this world would disappear?

     My husband and I have chosen a covenant marriage. We have had ups and downs, we have fought, struggled to face opposition together as partners, and together we have had great moments of joy! We intentionally choose each other every day, as we work to live in obedience to God’s commandments, we grow together in ways we could never have anticipated on the day we wed. In this day and age, our choice is indeed the “Road Less Traveled,” and we are better for it! How do you define marriage?

Cited Sources:
Hafen, Bruce C. “Covenant Marriage.” Doctrine and Covenants 8, www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng.