Union in love (and marriage) is not simply an ideal, It is a necessity!

In an earlier post, I talked about how my husband and I struggled with the decision about whether or not to allow our children to go to sleepovers. I stated that the article wasn’t about whether or not to do sleepovers; instead, I focused on my process of setting aside my pride to hear the Lord’s will for our children. I have a terrible habit of thinking that I know what is best, pretty much, all of the time.

I lightly touched on the way my husband and I came to a united decision. In my reading for my FAML 300 class this week we are learning about family councils and the incredible tool they can be in building a stable marriage and a solid family.The Sleepover Crisis is an example of how my husband and I took counsel together to find an answer that was united.

First, my husband found a time where we could discuss the issue without interruption. I don’t remember if we started off with a prayer, we should have! As we counsel together now, we start with a prayer asking our Heavenly Father to be with us as we discuss items that we need to be united on. Next, he presented his subject, “I think we should consider……..” I think his words were important. He didn’t say, “I have decided, “ or “I have had a revelation so we should,” or even, “I think we should do ….” It is essential that although he felt strongly about the issue of sleepovers, he did not misuse his position as the head of our home to dictate to me. I disagreed with him about his idea. He asked me to think and pray about it. I agreed, we had a prayer together and went on with our daily lives.

I spent a lot of time thinking about and praying about the subject. As I discussed in the post about sleepovers, I was really more interested in getting my way in this discussion. I felt like I knew more about girl sleepovers then my husband did. I forgot that Heavenly Father knows even more than me!

My husband and I counseled together many times. I would ask a question like “will my daughter be safe at the sleepover,” and get a yes answer. I would re-enter the conversation ready to do battle! My husband would stand his ground in a kind but firm way and we would end at a stalemate. We would agree to pray about it again. That cycle happened many times before I realized that I was the problem and that I needed to set aside my pride to understand the Lord’s plan for my children. We finally came to a place of agreement and implemented it.

My husband was a rock star during this period of struggle. He clearly understood his role as father, husband, and leader in the home. At no time did he try to force me to his way of thinking. He let me work through my issues, in my time. What a blessing it was to our family!

My husband understood when Prophet Joseph Smith said: "When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw
themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man" (D&C 121:37).

I was struggling with pride. Truthfully, if my husband had tried to exercise control or compulsion, If he had “put his foot down” we would have had a significant battle. I would have rebelled, and it would have set our relationship back. Instead, he took the higher road, trusted the Lord and trusted me that I would find my way.
I have a testimony of the importance of couples taking counsel together to set the course for the family! That through this process we may be one together and thus work to be one with Christ and our Heavenly Father. “That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the
world may believe that thou hast sent me” (John 17:18–21).

Do you have a couple or family council?

Marriage Is All About Friendly Persuasion!

     

    I love old movies! As I delved into the assigned reading for my Family 300 class, I repeatedly had the movie “Friendly Persuasion” come to mind.

     First, follow this link and listen to Pat Boone sing the theme song for this film. In 1956 this was considered pretty popular! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0VTnNfH_gA or perhaps you would rather hear Aretha Franklin sing it;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEIegpOIbqo

     In this movie, an Amish family’s peaceful existence is turned upside down with the arrival of the Civil War on their doorstep. Multiple storylines are found that deal with the challenges that revolve around their deeply held beliefs including pacifism. As a child, I loved this movie for the comedy that is sprinkled throughout. I completely missed the deeper themes of war, courage, cowardice, integrity, and peace are consistently mentioned in the reviews you will find online.

     As I studied this week’s material, a different aspect of the movie came to mind. As I read review after review, they all mention the themes I listed above. However; take a moment to read the words to the theme song, its title is the same as the movie;

Thee I love more than the meadow so green and still
More than the mulberries on the hill
More than the buds of a Mayapple tree I love thee

Arms have I, strong as the oak for this occasion
Lips have I, to kiss thee, too, in friendly persuasion

Thee is mine though I don't know many words of praise
Thee pleasures me in a hundred ways
Put on your bonnet, your cape, and your glove
And come with me, for thee I love

     This references the relationship between the two married main characters in the film. Eliza and Jess have been married for many years and have built a respected life in their Amish community. As the Civil War descends, Jess finds his beliefs shaken, he makes some questionable choices as he struggles to make sense of the world he thought he knew. Eliza is, rightly, confused by her husband's struggles. They had made their life together based on principles and beliefs that they had agreed to live with. I think that an obvious theme of the movie is the way Jess and Eliza relate to each other in their marriage.  I would also like to make the argument that the title refers to the view that the best marriages find that friendly persuasion is the key to success.

     Eliza often is portrayed as unbending in this movie but I think that it is a study of one partner standing strong and consistent while her husband struggles. Although she doesn’t understand or approve of his choices, through friendly persuasion, they find compromise together.

     In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman talks about the fact that there are two kinds of marital conflict. There is a conflict that can be resolved and is tied to a specific situation. The other type of conflict is perpetual, this conflict is usually never completely settled and keeps showing up like a bad penny in different forms, but always with the same underlying theme.

     The struggles Eliza and Jess face show both kinds of conflict and give some good examples of how they deal with the problems they are facing. Some of their approaches reflect Gottman’s suggestions for how emotionally intelligent couples handle conflict. (pg. 142) Both Jess and Eliza consider how best to approach their counterpart for the best result, they use repair attempts to diffuse the tension, they use compromise, not domination, and time after time, they show patience with each other’s imperfections.

     That is not to say they are perfect. Three of the four horsemen make their appearances. Stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism definitely show up, but the fourth, contempt, is not to be found. (Gottman pg. 117). I believe that there is a lot to be learned by watching this couple in action. I think they understood the truth found in D&C 121:41-42;

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

     Consider conflict you may have had in your family or marital relationship lately. How did you resolve it? Are there unresolved conflicts? Perhaps the use of friendly persuasion is the key!

Works Cited:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

The Doctrine and Covenants. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121.41-42?lang=eng

Loyalty in Marriage

Before I married my husband, we had a few sit downs where we negotiated what our lives would look like once we were married. Things like; if one of us cooked, the other would clean the dishes. We would take turns taking out the trash, I would change all dirty diapers for the first few months of our new baby’s life, and he would do all the baby baths (I was terrified of the thought of bathing a new baby). We found compromises for most things, but there were a few non-negotiables tossed in. My only non-negotiable was that I was keeping my male best friend Little Richard (his dad was called Big Richard, it’s a southern thing). I didn’t buy into the notion that women and men couldn’t be friends once they were married to another partner. I just didn’t want to lose Richard’s friendship because he was born a boy instead of a girl!

Richard and I set specific boundaries (should have been my first clue, you don’t start off friendships with people of the same sex by setting limits!) We spoke every few days on the phone, I never changed the subject or tenor of the conversation if my husband or someone else was in the room. We ate lunch together once a week or so. We didn’t go to restaurants. We always ate in the busy common room at our local Institute building where we were known to everyone, and everyone knew us. I felt we were very transparent and safe.

One day Terry and I had a fight. I went through my usual phone call list to hash out the argument. First, my mom, she wasn’t home. My sister wasn’t home. I was so desperate, I even tried calling my dad! He was my last choice when I needed emotional support. He meant well, but he just didn’t get it. “It will be fine,” or “suck it up and apologize” or once he even said, “That is the dumbest thing to get angry about!” It actually worked that time because then I totally set aside my anger at my husband and was angry at my dad instead!

Amid the frustration of trying to find someone to talk to, Richard called. One of the boundaries I had set was that he and I didn’t ever talk about anything private between Terry and I. However; I was, and he coaxed it out of me. I just poured out my frustration at Rich’s feet. He listened sympathetically and punctuated my pauses with validating remarks. He just got it! I was winding down, feeling very affirmed by Richard, and then he said, “Ah darling, he just doesn’t get it.” That deep southern drawl just eased my heart. Yes! That was it, why couldn’t Terry understand me the way Richard did? 

At that moment it was as if a huge bucket of cold water was dumped on my head. I knew that the conversation I had with Richard had crossed a line. He hadn’t crossed the line, I did! Alarm bells rang in my head, every warning that had been offered to me about Richard and my relationship swarmed around me. I finally saw what others had seen. I was not interested in Richard sexually, or romantically, yet I was becoming emotionally entangled in a way that was not going to help me build my marriage. I hadn’t done anything “BAD,” but I had taken a step on a course that, if it not righted could lead me away from my husband.

I got off the phone and went to my room and prayed. I had hoped I could keep my relationship with Richard as a brother/sister relationship. That phone call wasn’t that. I knew I was going to have to stop our friendship. I cried and cried. My husband came home and found me crying. I told him everything, well, he knew everything, but I told him about this specific phone call and my unloyal thought. I acknowledged to him I had to stop hanging out with Richard, and I admitted that it hurt to have to do it. My amazing husband just held me while I cried.

I called Richard the next day. He was not happy, he really didn’t understand. He couldn’t know because he wasn’t married. He hadn’t made the eternal commitment in the temple with his spouse. I had to remember; “Thou shalt love thy [husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto [him] and none else”(D&C 42:22).

In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard (2009) says, “And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving.... The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

My problem was that I loved Richard. I am a super loyal person, and I give a lot to my relationships. We had been best friends for years. He only had a sliver of my heart, but that was too much. I needed to refocus the time, effort, attention and loyalty, that I was giving Richard, to my husband.

All of these years later, I will randomly wonder where Richie is and send a prayer his way that he is as happy in his life as I am in mine. I hope that the day came when he married, that he finally saw the truth and wisdom in my decision. That is wasn’t just what was best for my husband and me, but it was best for him also!

I have been blessed to be married for almost 30 years to the man who is most definitely my best friend, it took us a little longer to get there, but the gift that it is in our marriage is precious. I am grateful for the knowledge that our time on earth is just a small moment of the life we will have together for eternity!

Works Cited;

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

The Overwhelming Principle That Will Make My Marriage Work (really there are two).

     For my Family 300 class, one of the books that I was assigned was The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. The author, John Gottman (2015), lays out a map of how making even the smallest adjustments in our marriage can, over time, effect positive changes that can make all the difference.

     He gives a plethora of ideas, steps, questionnaires, principles, and other approaches, that when applied correctly will correct our marriage course. However; I think that the overwhelming truth in his book is that we can not change our partner, we can only change ourselves.

     For example; Principle One; Enhance Your Love Maps (pg. 53), here he describes love maps as the richly detailed place where you keep the intimate knowledge of your spouse’s life. You have to know your partner in order to connect with them. Notice, he doesn’t tell you to tell your partner all about your love map so that they can then meet your needs. He directs you to develop your knowledge of your partner so that you can, in turn, meet their needs.

     Gottman's second principle is “Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration”(pg. 67). Your instructions are not to remind your spouse of all the reasons they should be fond of you or admire you, your path is to find ways to help your spouse feel your fondness and admiration for them.

     Each of Gottman’s seven principles reads the same. The book kindly, but firmly, puts the responsibility for your relationship with your spouse in your court. For there to be change in your marriage, you must be the one to change. It has to be this way, because the truth is, you can not change another person! 

     In the second book of our assigned class reading, “Drawing Heaven Into your Marriage, “ Goddard (2009) actually quotes an earlier version of Gottman's book by saying that 70% of who a person is cannot be changed. Goddard continues saying that the 30% of your significant other that can be changed, will only be changed if you enjoy them the way they are! The unspoken rest of that would be that when your spouse sees you work at changing yourself and loving them, then they may choose to change. (pg. 127)r

     I believe that Goddard adds the most important principle of all with his book. Gottman makes it clear that we must change ourselves. He gives you clear steps that have worked in relationship after relationship to heal and build marriages. However; why doesn't everyone use these principles successfully? Simply put, changing ourselves is not an easy one, two, three, type of process. We can know that we have to change but how do we change who we are? How can we set aside our fragile egos, our self-absorption, our need for control, our petty disdain, our traits that we have built from birth? 

    Goddard reminds us of the most important principle of all. To change our nature, we have to change our heart! The natural man is not well suited to accomplish this. In order to change, we must find charity and firmly entrench it in our hearts and minds. Only Christ and the Atonement can create a path where we can truly set aside our poor habits of the past to build a relationship with our spouse that will bring us happiness now and forever.

    So the first truth that I must accept is that I can not change my spouse, I must focus on changing myself. The second truth is that change is not so easy or everyone would be doing it. To make my marriage work, I need to accept the Atonement and Christ’s influence in my life. As I develop true Christlike charity, I will see my spouse as the Lord sees him. I will be able to see how I can change my weaknesses into strengths that will buoy my partner and build our marriage.

Work Cited:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

 Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

This Post Isn't About Sleepovers

     Through the years, my husband’s commute to work has varied. In some cases, he would have to drive almost an hour to get to his place of employment. To pass the time, he would listen to talks of various church authorities on cassette tape (remember those?) One day, as we were discussing our parenting challenges, he made a suggestion that would change the course of our parenting forever.

     

     On a tape my husband had been listening to, a general authority had mentioned that they had instituted a family policy of no sleepovers at other people’s homes. Our first daughter was in kindergarten and had received her first invite just days before. My husband had prayerfully considered whether or not we should accept and he felt we should adopt a “No Sleepover Policy” for our family. I have to admit, I was not happy with his suggestion and I pushed back, hard! I had dozens of arguments that I employed. He firmly felt that we needed to follow the example the general authority set. I would pray about whether it was OK for our daughter to go to this sleepover and felt it would be fine. He would pray about it and state that he felt we should chart our course to deny all sleepovers. It was maddening! I was frustrated because I felt he didn’t understand the role sleepovers played in bonding within girl friendships. I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like I was getting the same answers to prayer that he had.

     I went to my mom in a less than positive way. She patiently listened to my lengthy complaints and then made one simple suggestion. Change the question. I was stymied by that proposal. What did she mean? To make a long story a little shorter, I changed my question. Instead of asking if sleepovers were evil, or if my daughter would be safe, or any of the other myriad questions I had asked the Lord to confirm my side of the argument, I simply asked if I should support my husband in his inspiration.

I got a resounding “yes” answer. It was hard to do, I didn’t understand, but I moved forward in faith. 

     My daughter was part of a tight group of girls and it was difficult to work through. The girls were unhappy, the parents of the other girls were unhappy and I could tell they felt judged by our decision. Then, two years later I got a call from a crying mom. “I wish we had the same sleepover policy you did!” This group of girls had stayed at the house of a parent that I would have let my daughter stay at. That mom had allowed the 8-year-old girls to watch an “R” movie. Her excuse was that her ex-husband allowed her daughter to watch anything she wanted and she was tired of fighting her. It was two years of following my prompting in faith before the wisdom of the choice was shown to me.

     I hit my knees in gratitude when I got off the phone. I had come so close to allowing my pride to force my will over that of the Lord. I realize now that my husband had been inspired with what the Lord knew to be the BEST for my family long term, in eternal terms, not just for that weekend.

   
     President Ezra Taft Benson talks about the need to “Beware of Pride”, one section of his talk that struck me reads, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

     As I look back, I realize that I was engaged in a prideful struggle. I thought that I was trying to convince my husband that I knew better. He was so very patient with me and I know it is because he understood that the decision to pass on sleepovers was inspiration from our Heavenly Father. My husband would not change his stance, I could not move him from what he felt was right, but he also would not coerce me to come to an agreement with him. I could have just taken her to the slumber party that first time and he would have not fought me on it. Instead, he followed the counsel found in a talk titled Unrighteous Dominion where the author states, "Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed."

     I am ashamed to say, if he had put his foot down, I would have taken her. He didn’t, we had made a commitment to parent together, that we would work together and move forward in agreement always. He stuck to his end of the bargain. I am so grateful that I stopped, “pitting my perception of truth against God’s great knowledge” (Benson 1999) and stuck to my end of the bargain.

     This post isn’t about sleepovers. Every family has to find their way on a multitude of topics and I don’t feel that our struggle with this topic is necessarily yours. I do feel that the tendency to put our own needs first in marriage originates in pride. I think we all struggle with it. If we can see it in our past actions, acknowledge it, repent it, then we have a better chance of setting it aside in the here and now. I have to intentionally beware of pride at those moments when I struggle with counsel from those around me. I need to be sure I am working God's plan and not my own. Get thee hence PRIDE!

Works Cited:

Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Beware of Pride. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Peterson, H. B. (n.d.). Unrighteous Dominion. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng